CCST3K(Season 2)#14

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*

(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn't what it used to be....)

"CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000" (SEASON TWO)

EPISODE 14: SHINJI’S ALTER-EGO

(A Neon Genesis Evangelion MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Card Captor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment

purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or

trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

“Card Captor Sakura” is a trademark of CLAMP and those who distribute it.

“Neon Genesis Evangelion” is the property of Gainax Co. and its affiliates

“Shinji’s Alter-Ego” is the property of John82 and he’s welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him by making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)

(Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)

It's the not-too-distant future,

Last Sunday BC

There was this girl named Sakura

Quite different from you or me

She captured Clow Cards with her friends

All seen through Tomoyo’s camera lens

They tried to save the human race,

But Eriol lost his patience

So he shot them into space!!!!

Sakura: (Hoeeee……)

Syaoran and Tomoyo: (Now what?)

We'll send them crappy fanfics

The worst we can find  (lalala)

They'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor their minds  (lalala)

Now keep in mind they can't control

When the fanfics begin or end  (lalala)

Because, let’s face it, after all

Eriol’s not really their friend;

CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL:

Meiling:

'Who asked you?!’

Tomoyo:

'Plushies!!'

Syaoran:

'Where’s my sword?'

KEROOOOOOO!!!

'I love pudding!'

If your wondering how they eat and breathe

And other science facts  (lalala)

Then repeat to yourself

*It's just a MiST*

You should really just relax

For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!!

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

17:45 Hours

Syaoran Li was not happy. Not that this was anything new. Syaoran was not generally the happy type. But dealing with this week’s Clow card demonstration was proving to be quite the chore. He once again had to catch Sakura as she stumbled and almost landed on her face again.

“How much of that wine did she drink anyway?” he asked.

Kero peered at the empty bottles. “All I know is that I didn’t get any,” he said.

Tomoyo lowered her camcorder for a moment. “Unfortunately, we need her as sloshed as possible to demonstrate this week’s Clow card.”

“I’m not sure I approve of this idea,” said Yue, who was looking upon this situation with his usual cynicism.

“You’re not the only one,” Syaoran grumbled. “What’s keeping Dr. H. anyway?”

“Syaoran…” mumbled Sakura who was leaning against him for support. “There’s something I need to tell you…”

“Sakura, I don’t think….” Syaoran began.

"Oh, but let me finish!” Sakura said, cutting him off. “Syaoran, you are the honey in my milk, the han in my yaaaaan, the peanut in my butter, the manachevits in my wine, which was pretty good tonight, let me add. Anyway, I love you. I've loved you since we were 12 and you drive me crazy. You've got it all. Charm, sexiness, power, and man, you're hotter then Hades. Sword training did you well, my friend. Do you even know what your ass looks like? H-O-T hot!"

Syaoran blushed. “Uh… Thanks… I think.”

“Well, there’s our blatant fanfic plug for the week,” mumbled Meiling. “I hope Absolut Angel appreciates it.”

“Sakura!”

“What is it?” asked Tomoyo.

“She’s got her hands in my pockets again!” said a panic-stricken Syaoran. “And I don’t think she’s looking for spare change.”

Just then a red light on the command console started flashing. “Looks like you got your wish,” said Meiling “Eli Moon and company are calling.” She smacked the button.

DEEP 13

The evil Dr. Eriol Hiiragazawa and his assistants, TV’s Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun stood before the monitor. At first, Dr. Eriol wasn’t paying much attention to his satellite bound lab rats.

“Well, well…” Just then he looked up and saw a somewhat over-intoxicated Sakura draped over a blushing Syaoran. “Okay. What is it this time?” he asked.

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

“Well, this is kinda the set-up for this week’s Clow card,” Syaoran said while blushing profusely.

“Has she got her hands in your pockets?” asked Ruby Moon.

Syaoran sweatdropped.

“Aaaaaanyway…” Tomoyo interrupted. “Our card this week is for curing intoxication and hangovers. Never be remembered as some lame-brained doofus who wore a lampshade on his head with ‘The Sobriety’ card!” Meiling held up the card in a dramatic gesture, Yue rolled his eyes and Tomoyo started taping again. Meiling handed the card over to Syaoran. Syaoran took the card and place in on Sakura’s forehead. The card glowed momentarily and Sakura passed out.

“It takes a few moments to work,” Syaoran explained as he stuggled to hold up the comatose Sakura.

“What do you think, sirs?” asked Tomoyo.

DEEP 13

“Uh, very… practical…” said a stunned Eriol “But I really don’t like the idea of any underage drinking going on up there, especially involving Lucia and Hiro over there. Drunkenness leads to all kinds of things that Touya would have my head for.”

“Actually,” said Tomoyo. “That would make a neat tape. I could call it: Sakura and Li-kun’s Drunken Orgy!”

Everyone sweatdropped and Syaoran blushed.

“Daidouji…” he mumbled.

“I’m just kidding, Li-kun,” Tomoyo said in her usual playful tone.

Eriol paused to compose himself. “My Clow card this week is ‘The Weather’. It gives accurate weather predictions.”

“He made it because he kept getting caught in the rain,” muttered Spinel Sun.

“He’s such a wuss sometimes,” mumbled Ruby Moon.

“Cram it! Both of you!” Eriol shouted. “Anyway, it’s time for you experiment this week. Today we have a lovely little Evangelion fanfic for you from John82 of fanfiction.net, who stated in his bio that his writing was crap. To prove his point he wrote this lame-brained rip-off of a failed Farrelly brothers movie. I give you ‘Shinji’s Alter-Ego’ and there will be no refunds.”

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

Sakura was slowly starting to come around. “Unnghhh…” she mumbled. “Did the demonstration go as planned?”

“Perfectly,” said Kero.

“I didn’t do anything… embarrassing did I?” Sakura asked when she saw Syaoran blushing.

“Of course not,” said Tomoyo.

Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out.

“OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sakura cried out.

(Door 6: It melts away to nothing.)

(Door 5: It swirls open from the center.)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It splits into six long strips that retract into the doorframe.)

(Door 2: It’s made of small wooden blocks. The CCS plushies come in and haul them away, one at a time.)

(Door 1: It’s a set of theater curtains. They are pulled back and you move on.)

(Door .7: The camera pans downward where a small hatch pops open.)

Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and Kero-Chan enter the theater. The three take their seats in the theater while Kero-Chan floats overhead.

>Shinji’s alter ego

Kero: …will not be seen today. Please stay tuned for a very long PGA gold tournament.

>By John82

Syaoran: He comes right after John81

>There is no escaping from Asuka.

Tomoyo: For she is evil and omnipotent.

>Shinji sneaked pass her room, walking on his toes, trying not to awake his most feared enemy. >However, the door to her bedroom open with a scream, “BAKA! You will now pay for not doing >dinner last night!”

Sakura: Switch to decaf already.

Kero: “Doing” dinner?

Syaoran: That brings up some disturbing images. Somehow, they’re all linked to the movie “American Pie”.

Tomoyo: Ugh… Please, NO!

>Shinji winced.

Tomoyo: I sympathize.

>The night before, Shinji was too tired to cook so he asked Misato to do it instead. Bad move.

Syaoran: That’s putting it mildly.

Kero:<Shinji>Wha--?! Checkmate?! ARGHHHHH!!

>Misato tried her best at cooking but it only serves to cause Pen Pen to pass out and also both Shinji >and Asuka vomited at the horrible taste.

Sakura: Misato must’ve decided to go out to eat.

Kero: She’s not as dumb as you’d think.

>And Shinji’s vomit hits Asuka on her favorite shirt, turning it from pink to dark brown, causing her to >scream.

All: Eeeeewwww…

Tomoyo: I think we’ve wandered into ‘The Exorcist’ here.

>And that’s not all.

Sakura: Lovely…

>Asuka’s vomit just missed Shinji and instead plows right in her bagful of new clothing nearby

Syaoran: Geez… It is ‘The Exorcist’!

>(she forgot to puts them away),

Tomoyo: Just like the author forgot to proofread.

>the one that Asuka just send lots of money on.

Kero: Send your money NOW!!

>It all went to waste right away. She screamed once again, “You baka! I’ll kill you!” She has murder >in her eyes.

Tomoyo: And a song in her heart.

>Shinji gulps. He ran. Right to his room and locks (Asuka took a long time to get Misato to agree to >have the locks fitted on all the bedrooms) the door.

Kero: Smooth.

Sakura: This fic flows like molasses in January.

>Moving away from door, he sighs, knowing that he is now safe. It was not to last long.

Syaoran: Asuka decided to do hack through the door with an ax.

Tomoyo:<Asuka> Heeeeeeere’s Johnny!

>The pounding begins and “Baka-Shinji! I’ll kill you! Come out like a man you are!”

All:<giggles>

Kero: She sounds more like an angry Yoda.

>This went on for a few hours until the pounding and the shouting finally ended.

Kero: They had make-up sex?

Sakura: Kero…

>Shinji finally can rest in peace.

Syaoran: Shinji has died. Quit or Retry?

>He went to sleep with the aid of his SDAT player. However this peaceful time did not last long.

Syaoran: The lights went out! A shot was heard! A maid screamed!

Kero:<dramatic>Welcome… to CARD CAPTOR MYSTERY THEATER 3000!

Sakura: Cool.

>Oh no now I’m in for it. It was Shinji’s last thought before he was knocked down by Asuka’s flying >fist right in his face.

Tomoyo: Hey… How’d she get in?

Kero: She got the key? How would I know?

>Pain didn’t hit him until he hits the floor like a sack of flour.

Sakura: Who’s Pain?

Kero: Maybe it’s a Disney’s ‘Hercules’ crossover.

Tomoyo: So, where’s Panic?

Syaoran: Oh, please let there not be a Michael Bolton song in this fic.

>Groaning in pain, all he could manages was, “I’m sorry, Asuka. I was too tired last night to cook.”

Syaoran:<Shinji>Besides, who do I look like? Emeril Legassy?

>Asuka didn’t say anything for a while. Then she kicked Shinji in his stomach. “You call that an >excuse!?” She kicked him again. He groaned. Then she grabs Shinji by his hair and jerks him up, >causing him to yell in pain.

Kero: Forget ‘The Exorcist’, what’s with the professional wrestling shtick?

>“You are nothing but a wimp!”

Tomoyo: Well, don’t hold back, Asuka. Say what you really mean.

>Then she smashes Shinji’s head right on the wall. He blacked out. Asuka was grinning in >satisfaction.

Sakura: Is Asuka really like that?

Syaoran: On her better days, yeah.

>As she walks away, she heard a groan. Turning, she saw that Shinji is awaking. She went in to >knock him out again by starting to kick him in the head when suddenly he grabbed her by her ankle, >causing her to fall with a yelp.

Kero:<Shinji>Have a nice trip! See you next fall!

>“Sooo… You just kicked the crap of Shinji did ya?” Shinji spoke. No, it was not really Shinji at all; >his voice is very different from Shinji’s normal voice.

Sakura: And we’re back to ‘The Exorcist’ again.

>“Huh?” That was all Asuka could say.

Kero: Very articulate.

>“I’m not Shinji. I am, what you could call, an alter ego. I am

Syaoran:<Shinji>…the guardian of the hell.

>Hank.

Kero: The role of Shinji will now be played by Jim Carrey.

Syaoran:<Shinji>Aaaaalll righty then!

>You will pay for stuffing my body up! Or rather, stuffing Shinji's body up.

Tomoyo: She made a plushie out of him?

>Anyway, it’s doesn’t matter.” He got up slowly, groaning.

Sakura: I shook my head slowly, groaning.

>Asuka was staring at him, wide-eyed.

Kero:<Asuka> Oh, sh—

Sakura: Kero!

>I guess now is a good time to run.

Syaoran: My sentiments exactly.

>She did. But not before Shinji/Hank caught her causing her to scream, “Help! Help!”

Syaoran:<Shinji>Who’s the wuss now, huh, Asuka?

>Misato came running out only to see Shinji/Hank holding Asuka by her head and rubbing his fist on >her head. “Shinji! What are you doing!?”

Kero:<Shinji>Giving Red a noogie, what else?

>Shinji/Hank stopped and turned to stare at Misato then he grinned. “Huh. Boy, Shinji is not kidding >at all. You look absolutely smashing!

Kero:<Austin Powers> Yeah, baby!

Sakura: Oh, behave!

>Oh, by the way I am Shinji’s alter ego, Hank. Nice to meet you.” He bowed.

Sakura: Very Japanese, isn’t it?

>Misato was dumbfounded. “Shinji? W-what are you talking about? Who is Hank?”

Syaoran: A character ripped off from a Farelly Brothers movie?

>“Oh, Shinji created a imagination friend when he was little.

Kero: I wish this fic was all in our imagination.

>I think it was after that bastard of a father of his left him. So he created Hank – that’s me – to >keep him from getting lonely. So you could say that I am the opposite of what Shinji was. After >that girl knocked out Shinji, I woke up just to take his place. I guess he doesn’t want to deal with >you lots. So please, don’t call me Shinji, just Hank.”

Kero:<Shinji> On second thought, call me Bond, James Bond.

>Both Misato and Asuka sweat dropped.

Sakura:<Misato> Time to call the funny farm.

>“Hank?” Ritsuko asked.

All: ACK!!

>They were now in the examination room.

All: Oh…

Tomoyo: Nice of the author to let us know in advance, huh?

>“I’m afraid so. It seems that Asuka went too far and Shinji doesn’t want to deal with it anymore so >Hank took over.” Misato relied.

Sakura: Relied? On what?

Syaoran: With Misato it’s probably booze.

>Shinji/Hank was busy checking out every detail of the women that walked by with comment like: >“Oh yeah I wonder how is she in bed?” “Uh huh huh huh.” “Nice set of hooters” and the like.

Kero: So… Hank is a brain-dead lech?

Tomoyo: Hank is being played by Adam Sandler?! Noooooo!!

>Just then Gendo Ikari and Kouzou Fuyutski just walked in the examination.

Sakura:<Teacher>Sorry. No late admittance to the examination.

>Gendo asked Ritsuko, “What is the problem with the third child?” His tone is cold, as always.

Kero:<Ritsuko> Man, I could sure go for a glass of ice water. Hey, Gendo, mind if I tap your veins?

>Shinji/Hank stopped what he doing and turned to Gendo. “So you are Shinji’s bastard father eh?”

Syaoran:<Gendo> No. My parents were married when they had me.

>Ritsuko spoke up, “Sir, I’m sorry for this, but he seems to think he’s Shinji’s alter-ego, Hank.”

Tomoyo: Don’t you mean his imaginary friend?

Sakura: No. It’s his imagination friend. Pay attention.

>Gendo glanced at Shinji/Hank, “Interesting.”

Sakura:<Ritsuko> Uh… What do you mean?

Syaoran:<Gendo> Not a clue.

>It was too much for Shinji/Hank. He balled his hand into a fist and threw it right at Gendo’s face,

Kero: Shinji is modular? Cool!

>breaking his glasses. Everyone gasped. Shinji/Hank tripped Gendo, causing him to fall and starts to >kick him. “That was for not caring for him!”

Syaoran: The role of Shinji/Hank will now be played by Joe Pesci.

>Shinji/Hank kicked him again, “That was for forcing him to pilot Unit-01!”

Sakura: Shouldn’t someone be stopping this?

>Again. “That was for leaving him behind like a coward after his mother’s death!”

Kero:<Shinji> And that’s for saying “interesting”!

>Again. “That was for not giving a damn to anyone here! Specially Shinji!”

Kero:<Shinji> And that’s for coming in half way through the scene!

>This went on for few hours as Shinji/Hank count off a list of what Gendo has done to everyone as >he kicks Gendo in his stomach.

Tomoyo: Uh… Security? Hello?

>It was a very long list. Everyone was so shocked that they didn’t move a muscle. Shinji/Hank was >the first to have the guts to kick the crap of Gendo.

Sakura:<Ritsuko>Shouldn’t we do something?

Tomoyo:<Misato> Nah. If he bites it, I may get promoted.

>Finally he was done.

Kero: Woo-hoo! Let’s go!

Sakura: Sorry, Kero. Fic’s not over yet.

Kero: Damn…

>Backing away from the now groaning-in-pain Gendo, Shinji/Hank grinned, “That ought to teach ya a >teach from daring to screw with your own son. If you do all that things you did…” he moved his >face close to Gendo’s face, he whisper, “…I’ll be back.”

Syaoran: And now Shinji/Hank will be played by Arnold Schwartzenegger.

>The only respond from Gendo was his groaning.

Kero: Possibly from all the technical errors in this fic.

>Ritsuko and Misato just stared at Gendo, lying on the floor. They grinned to each other and started >to kick him.

Kero: You get the feeling John82 doesn’t like Gendo very much?

>Fuyutski, shaking his head, left the room wanting nothing to do with it.

Sakura: He’s got the right idea.

>Soon, everyone but Rei joined in kicking the crap out of Gendo.

Syaoran: Wait a sec… Where’d Rei come from?

>“Yo, Rei!”

Kero:<Sylvester Stallone> Yo, Adrian!

>Shinji/Hank called as he catches up with Rei. Rei stopped walking and turned to him, asking, “What >is it, Ikari?”

Tomoyo: Hey… Did the scene just change on us again?

>“Wrong, Rei, it isn’t Shinji Ikari. I’m his alter ego, Hank. Wow, you are looking so cute!”

Sakura: If Rei was in the last scene, wouldn’t she already know that?

Kero: Oh, who cares?

>“Cute?” Rei was confused.

Tomoyo: I can explain it to her.

Syaoran: I’m sure you could, Daidouji.

>“Yeah. Cute. What’s the matter, did Commander Bastard-of-a-father tell you all about love and >stuff like that? For example, which boy do you find ‘cute’?”

Sakura:<Rei>Duo Maxwell.

Tomoyo:<Rei>Heero Yuy.

Sakura:<Rei>Mamoru Chiba.

Tomoyo:<Rei a la Nakuru> TOUYA!

Sakura:<Rei a la Hikaru Shidou> Lantis!

Tomoyo:<Rei> Yukito Toshiyuki.

Sakura:<Rei> Brad Pitt.

Tomoyo:<Rei> Antonio Banderas.

Sakura:<Rei> Ricky Martin.

Tomoyo:<Rei a la Sakura>Syaoran-kun!

Sakura:<Rei a la Ukyou Kuonji> Ran-chan!

Syaoran: Enough already!

Kero: Ladies and gentlemen, the Ayanami Crush sketch! Thank you!

>“I-I doesn’t know. He never told me about it.”

Sakura:<Rei> And… I-I didn’t think it would be on the test…

>Shinji/Hank face faulted. “Well, it looks like I have to teach you a lesson or two about love.

Kero: Yeah, baby!

Sakura: Kero…

>For example have you ever kissed someone?”

Kero: Inquiring minds want to know!

Tomoyo: Not to mention hentai guardians.

Kero: Heh.

>“No.”

Syaoran: Why am I not surprised?

>“I should have guessed.” Shinji/Hank then moved in and grabbed Rei by her waist and kissed her on >the lips. “Like that. Or if you are really care for the person you are kissing, you should use your >tongue like this.” He kissed her inside her mouth. For the first Rei found it was pleasure. She >moaned as she kisses back. This went on few minutes until Shinji/Hank breaks it off.

Syaoran:<Shinji/Hank> Uh… we’re attracting a crowd…

Kero:<Touji> Looks like “Hank” is back.

Syaoran:<Kensuke>I wish I could get away with that.

>“Well, did you like it?" Shinji/Hank asked.

Sakura:<Rei>Not really.

Tomoyo:<Rei>Ick! I suddenly feel so dirty!

Kero:<Shinji/Hank> Oh, really?

Tomoyo:<Rei> I didn’t mean it that way, doofus!

>Rei paused, thinking how she enjoyed the kissing and answers, “Yes. Are there more lessons?”

Kero:<Shinji/Hank> Yeah. But, the next one will cost you.

Sakura: Kero…

>Grinning, Shinji/Hank said, “Yeah. Your place or mine?”

Syaoran: Hey, Shinji. Why don’t you get some platform shoes and a white disco suit to go with that pick-up line?

Kero: Hey! I just came up with a cool new title for this fic!

Sakura: What?

Kero: Me, Myself And Ayanami!

>It was much later, at Rei’s apartment, when Shinji/Hank was putting his clothing back on. He asked, >“Tell me, how did you enjoyed it?”

Kero:<Rei> I don’t know… Shouldn’t it have lasted more than three minutes?

Sakura: Kero!

>“It was… pleasure. It was my first time. I believe that I now understand the meaning of ‘love’. >Thank you.”

Tomoyo:<Rei>Love means boffing someone on the first date.

Sakura: Tomoyo-chan…

>“Yeah well, it was my first time too. I’m just doing Shinji a favor. By the way which boy did you >finds cute?”

Syaoran: Oh, no! We’re not going there again!

Sakura and Tomoyo: Awwwwww…

>Blushing, Rei said, “You.”

Sakura: Think she’s been taking lessons in blushing from Syaoran-kun?

Syaoran: Sakura…

>A minute late the bed were rocking again.

Kero: Uh, hello? Mind checking your tenses, fanfic?

Tomoyo:<singing> It’s Rei and men! Hallelujah! It’s Rei and men!

Syaoran: Zip it, Gerri Halliwell!

>It was much, much later when Shinji/Hank returned home to his apartment to find Misato and Asuka >recounting how hard they kicked Gendo in the ‘nuts’.

Kero: All to the tune of ‘The Nutcracker Suite’.

Syaoran: Please… Don’t take Tchaikovsky’s name in vain like that.

Sakura: I didn’t know you appreciated classical music, Syaoran-kun.

Tomoyo: Well, it’s easier to appreciate than this fanfic.

>“Hey you girls, I’m home! By the way, Misato, nice set of hooters.” With that he left behind red->faced Misato, laughing to himself.

Sakura: Misato is blushing?

Tomoyo: Maybe she’s mad.

>He got ready for bed, but before he went to bed, he got a piece of paper and started to write on it. >When he was done, he grabbed the SDAT player and played some music. He whispers to himself, >“Goodbye Shinji. I trust that you will find that your life has just got easier.” With that he closed his >eyelids.

Sakura: Assuming he isn’t arrested for assault.

>It was the next morning when Shinji wakes up. He was confused for a while as the last thing he >could remember was when Asuka knocked him out. He looked around the room and noticed a >piece of paper, folded with the writing: SHINJI on it. He unfolds and begins to read it. It says:

Kero: Meet me in my bedroom. –Misato.

Sakura: Kero…

>Dear Shinji,

Tomoyo: We regret to inform you that you are trapped in a bad fanfic.

>I am your alter ego, Hank and I have being used your body to help you out in many thing.

Syaoran: Unfortunately, he didn’t help him with grammar.

>For one, I think your bastard-of-a-father will be kinder to you in the future. Also, Rei has shown an >interest in you (actually we rocked the bed twice – sorry about that). Anyway that’s about it. Do >not screw these things up with your wimp ness, as they are your only reason for living, not in the >Eva mind you.

Sakura: Hank’s been taking sensitivity lessons from Asuka, I see.

>Bye.

Sakura: Syaonara.

Syaoran: Ciao.

Tomoyo: Au revoir.

Kero: Oh, cram it!

>Your imagination friend, Hank.

Kero:<Shinji> Hank? Who the hell is that?

>Shinji gasped.

Syaoran:<Shinji> What awful writing!

>He soon learns that his life turns out for the better: Gendo called him over to his office. Not >knowing why, he went and entered the office.

Tomoyo: And was promptly taken away by security.

>To his surprise, Gendo was not wearing his glasses, instead, he is wearing bandage over his head.

Kero:<Gendo> Oh, hello, son. What do you think of my Rei Ayanami impression?

Syaoran:<Shinji> Needs work.

>Seeing Shinji’s confusion, he explained what happened. After he was finished, he stood up and >walked over to Shinji and said, “Shinji, your alter-ego was right. I’m nothing but a coward. That >day, when I left you, I was running away from you.”

Tomoyo: Better family life through violence, eh, fanfic?

>“Why, father?”

Sakura: Yes, why?

>“Because… I was afraid of you.

Kero: He was afraid of Shinji?

Syaoran:<Gendo> Or am I thinking of Asuka again?

>Afraid of hurting you but I still hurt you in many ways. It was the only way of staying away from >you. To tell you the truth, I didn’t want you to be the pilot of Unit-01, but Seele told me I must do >it. Well damn them! As of now, I just send information and some dirty stuff that my spy found on >them to UN.”

Kero: The hell…?

Sakura: Uh… Gendo? Maybe you should think about getting a CAT scan or something.

>“What do you mean?”

Syaoran:<Shinji> Man, he must’ve taken a lot of blows to the head yesterday.

>“You know the 2^nd Impact?” Shinji nodded.

Kero:<Shinji> Vaguely.

>“Seele cause it by removing the Lance of Longinus from the 1^st Angel, Adam. Yes, Man’s greatest >enemy caused the 2nd Impact: Man. I just got word they just got arrested and were charged with >crime against humanity.”

All: Huh?

Tomoyo: What does this have to do with anything?

>Shinji were dumbfounded.

Tomoyo: So am I.

Sakura: Since when is “Shinji” considered plural?

Syaoran: Well, there’s more than one guy living in there.

>“But do we still have to fight the Angels?”

Kero:<Gendo> No. We can always just quietly give up and be annihilated.

>Nodding, Gendo said, “I’m afraid so. Look on the bright side; at least you now have a father, a >better father. First, I want to say it: I’m sorry Shinji.”

Kero:<Shinji>Wow! I should’ve beaten the crap out of him years ago!

>“Oh…” Shinji paused then he smiles, “You know something? Hank set me up with Rei so I should be >okay!”

Kero:<Shinji> I mean she is really—

Sakura: Kero…

>“Ah. Well, this is a surprise but if that is what you want, then I should be happy about you two >pairing up. After all, I wanted you to be happy.”

Kero:<Gendo> And if one Rei isn’t enough to do that I can always make you a few more.

Sakura: Kero!

>Both Gendo and Shinji hugged.

Kero:<Ranma> Why can’t my Dad catch on after a beating like that?

Syaoran:<Genma> Be quiet, boy.

>“Wow.” Shinji commented.

>He was lying in bed with Rei.

All: Oh!

>“Wow, Rei did Hank shows you how to err… you know?”

Syaoran:<Shinji> Speak with improper tenses?

Kero:<Shinji> Give noogies to Asuka?

Syaoran:<Shinji> Say rude comments to women?

Kero:<Shinji> Beat the crap out of my father?

Tomoyo: Hoo boy…

>“Yes. I do not know that I love you until now.”

Sakura:<Rei> It’s a good thing we had those plot contrivances and your mental disorder to clear everything up.

>Smiling, Shinji said, “Yeah me too. You’re so… cute. With the blue hair and all.”

Tomoyo:<Rei> I have blue hair?

>Blushing, Rei said, “Thank you, Ikari.”

Sakura: Looks like we have another candidate for “Blushers Anonymous”.

>“Oh no, please just call me Shinji.”

Kero:<Shinji> Or you could call me—

Sakura: Don’t even think about it, Kero.

>“Shinji. It sounds better than Ikari.”

>“Really?”

Tomoyo:<Rei> No. I’m kidding.

>Rei nodded. They both were silence for a moment.

Syaoran:<Shinji> Um… Line?

Sakura:<Rei> Crap. I knew we should’ve rehearsed this scene more.

>“Rei.”

>“What?”

Syaoran: Where?

Sakura: Who?

Tomoyo: Why?

Kero: When?

>“You know the apartment you are living in now is not a good place to live, in fact it’s a very noisy >place. Why did you did not consider moving away from this place to a better place. The apartment >building I am living in now has a lot of unused apartments. Maybe I can ask if you can move in next >door to my apartment.

Syaoran:<Shinji> Between the two of us, the rent should be cheaper than what Misato is charging.

>Also I don’t want to be far away from you so I want to ask you something.”

>“What?”

Sakura:<Rei> Speak up! My hearing is going!

>“Rei, is it ok for me to move in with you?”

Tomoyo:<Rei> Hmmmm… No.

>Rei was surprised at this. She took the time to think about it. Finally she has an answer to the >question. She said, “Do you want to know what my answer is?”

Kero:<Shinji> Hmmmm… No.

>She smiled. It was a dazing smile considering the fact that she does not smile very often.

Syaoran: I think this whole fic is dazed.

Tomoyo: And confused.

>“What?” Shinji asked.

Syaoran:<Shinji> Damn! Now my hearing is going too!

>“Yes, I wanted you to move in with me. I wanted to ask you to do it because I…”

Tomoyo:<Rei>…am in arrears to the tune of three grand. If they don’t see a check soon, they’ll throw me out!

>She keep smiling then continued, “I love you.”

>Shinji smiled back and said, “I love you too.”

Kero:<singing> WAFF! Glorious WAFF!

>A minute later, the springs in Rei’s bed squeaked.

Sakura: She should get that fixed.

Tomoyo: Looks like it’s the end of the fic, guys.

Sakura: Okay, comments?

Syaoran: Well, for starters, since when has pounding Gendo been a solution to the problems he creates? I mean, sure, it would probably be very satisfying but would it change him? I doubt it.

Kero: Not to mention that there’s almost no reaction at all to “Hank” by anybody. And couldn’t John82 have come up with a more appropriate name and not blatantly exposed the fact that he ripped this idea off from “Me, Myself, And Irene”?

Tomoyo: And there’s the usual technical errors.

Kero: C’mon, let’s get out of here.

“I don’t know if this is such a good idea,” said Kero.

“C’mon, guys,” said Sakura as she handed out microphones. “It’s been ages since we did a parody song.”

“Is it really necessary to revive disco like this?” asked Syaoran.

“Just play along, Syaoran-kun.”

Tomoyo fires up the karaoke machine.

[This parody song is written to the tune of “Mamma Mia” by ABBA. No comments on the choice of music, please]

Sakura: Shinji’s been beaten by her since we don’t know when,

So we’re telling her now, it must come to an end.

Look at her now,

Will she ever learn,

I don’t know how,

But she suddenly loses control,

And goes after Shinji with a metal pole.

All: Just one hook and he will hear a bell ring,

One more hook and he’ll forget everything.

Whoh-oah!

Ayanami! Here we go again!

My, my! How can Hank resist you!

Ayanami! Does it show again?

Just how much we’ve missed you!

Tomoyo: Yes, we’ve been broken hearted.

Blue since the fanfic started.

All: Why? Why? Did we let this fanfic go?

Ayanami! Now we really know!

No way! We could never let this go!

Sakura: I’ve been happy and sad about fics in the past.

And I’m telling you now that this one won’t last.

It’ll still be there,

If we slam the doors,

I don’t know how,

But these fics always go too long,

And I’ll tell you we’re not that strong.

All: Just one look and we’ll feel our heads spin.

One more look and we’ll run from the thing.

Whoa-oah!

Ayanami! Here we go again!

My, my. This fic feels like forever!

Ayanami! This is just a game we play.

When we have to much time in the day!

[The song winds down.]

“Whew! What do you think, sirs?” asked Tomoyo.

DEEP 13

“I think that reviving the seventies is an evil even I would stay clear of,” said Eriol. “Push the button, Ruby Moon.”

“Okay, okay…” Ruby Moon grabbed Eriol by the head and slammed it against the button.

“Someone’s crabby today,” muttered Spinel Sun.

THE REAL END

(Feel free to hum “Catch You, Catch Me” as the credits roll.)

And now it’s time once again for… (wait for it) FAN MAIL!! Yayy!

Schuleter (Syaoran-kun)-
God! The fic you MiSTed was a disgrace to Sailor Moon! Anyway, I was laughing throughout the James Bond thing! I especially love the part with Eriol (not Dr. H)and his "I'm evil" grin, he looks so cute with that! And, "Meanwhile, they were being watched by a certain dark-haired girl with a camcorder," oh boy. Who knows what she'll record with a James Bond ending! *snicker*

-Ms. Magical Girl aka Jeanne

Hmmmm…. You may have a point there. Anyway, for those who were curious, the Bond flick I used was possibly the most obscure one I could find. It was 1987’s “The Living Daylights” which was Timothy Dalton’s first shot at Bond.

To CCSchlueter: I really loved the opening sequence for this one.  It fits the

characters perfectly.  And yeah, with the HP Movie coming, why shouldn't the

evil Dr. Hiiragizawa have his own flick, right?  He's gonna have a really hard

time at the box office, though.

-Sakura

Ever since I started seeing the “Harry Potter” movie trailers in theaters I knew it would be a great idea to have Eriol get mad and try to beat him at the box office. Too bad he wasn’t in a CCS movie. (Well, he was in the second one, but not for much, ne?)

Schlueter--

All I can say is...say what?  That fic was horrible.  *shudders*  I'm

suprised you didn't make fun of the grammatical errors more than you

did.  And the spelling mistakes.  Anyway, I thought it was really

cute that Eriol was making Ruby Moon pull a Tomoyo and film his every

move.  You had me laughing my butt off, as usual.  And for that, I

thank you.

-Serena B

You’re welcome! Dr. Thinker is one of the most MSTed authors there is and he’s a good sport about it too. Trying to make riffs about the spelling and grammar though? I could be MSTing for a year on that!

Do you ever get sick of people like me telling you that you're
brilliant, wonderful, witty, brave (for reading those fics) and
extremely quick about turning them out? If not, then do let me tell you
how very much I loved MST 13. As well as all your other MSTs. :) It's
still to damn bad about 'Fallen Horses'. My twin and I still go off in
absolute _gales_ when ever one of us says 'prove it'.
-Ciircee

Nope! I never get tired of praise! ^-^ As for “Fallen Horses”, I suspect that a lot of the rhetoric on both sides of the Amazoness Duo thing comes down to pairing preferences. Would I have liked it had it been S+S? I don’t think so. The fic shatters its marginal believability at the end with Nadeshiko’s appearance and the whole nightmare idea taints Sakura’s later confession. The worst point? Tomoyo commits suicide because she saw Sakura “kissing him”. Who’s him? Let’s say it’s Syaoran. He’s never mentioned or thought of again, nor does the fic deal with what, if any, feelings Sakura has for him.

Bottom line, I still think “Fallen Horses” is lame.

By the way, my Absolut Angel quote comes from “To Tell The Truth”. It’s not perfect (at least, from a technical view) and not nearly as good as Angel’s later works like “The Best Man” but it’s fun!

Until next time,

-CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

Season One:

1) The Brain From Planet Arous-A Ranma ½ Fic By Ryoucilo

2) The Mike Rhea Anthology-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea

(Loves Me, Loves Me Not/ Akane Gets Drained/ Konatsu’s First Kiss)

3) Neon Ranma Evangelion-A Ranma ½ /Evangelion Crossover By Khyron Kingkiller

4) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 1)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy

5) Stolen-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou

6) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 2)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy

7) The True Power Of Love-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By poshul

8) Marco Polo-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou

9) Madison’s Mystery Crush-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Chocolat*

10) Is It Reality Or Just A Trick?-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker

Season Two:

11) The Next Generation-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By JimAndZazu

12) Caught In The Act-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Second Sailor Destiny

13) The Shadow Leaders-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker

14) Shinji’s Alter-Ego-A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By John82

>Your imagination friend, Hank.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations

are trademarks of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights

reserved.

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